Of Message Boards and TV Serials

Before I start, I want you to forgive me, because this post might have a slightly serious tone to it. But I'm sure you'll understand the sentiment if, like me, you've been reading user comments on Indian online news portals for the past week. Let me hit you with some priceless ones.

"If anybody says gays are by birth and related to genes...can they tell if a new born is a gay or not? This is height of shamelessness that people approve gay relationship. Anybody who are approving gay relationship....may their next generation become gay...then they will realize and have."

- On the gay legalization thingy

"No one can quench their burning passions that too when Sex Education provoking them further. Children will become wild and go astray like sheep which has no thinking on their own and direction. When aged and educated are perverted why not children."

-On Sex Education in schools

And there are many more, which range from the grammatically incorrect to the hilarious, to the indecipherable. But at the same time, the lack of awareness and deep-rooted prejudice present within Indians is disturbing to say the least. And mind you, this is the computer literate, internet-savvy populace that we are talking about here. Which makes one think about the average awareness levels existing in India. Apart from making me shudder, this thought also prompted me to write this blog post. I had planned to analyze and systematically take apart the prevalent dogma and superstition, which I believe were the underlying reasons for this sorry state of affairs. I was going to critique the socio-political issues plaguing India today. In short, I had decided to rant. Until I remembered Star World and Boston Legal.

The following is the transcript of my favourite closing argument by Alan Shore, the witty and compelling protagonist of Boston Legal; a character played superbly by James Spader. In this episode of the courtoom "dramady", Alan acts as counsel for Abby Holt, a 15 year old girl who contracts HIV after unprotected sex . She goes on to sue her school for not imparting proper sex education and only preaching abstinence. Clark Brown, the judge presiding over the case is a Boston Legal regular; a conservative octogenarian who provides comic relief.

Adam Jovanka, counsel for the school:
Your Honor, I think we all agree that fifteen is too young to be having sex. Is there anyone here who takes issue with that? Sometimes, when the right answer is “no”, you say no. You don’t start tinkering with morality to coincide with logistics. Kids need to hear “no”, not “here’s how, just in case”, but “no”. Abstinence was the right answer here. If she hadn’t had sex, she wouldn’t be H.I.V. positive. And even if you are so determined to opt for pragmatism, abstinence is still the right answer. Since the implementation of this policy, the teen pregnancy rate has gone down 30%. More and more kids are choosing not to have sex. And that’s good. Whether they get sick or pregnant or not. And if parents disagree, by the way, they can choose to teach their kids about condoms and birth control pills and diaphragms. But once the school starts doing so, come on, you’re implicitly telling the kids it’s expected of them to be sexually active. And many start doing so because they feel all their friends are. Sure, we can pass out condoms. But it is simply more responsible, more moral and yes, more safe to practice abstinence. That’s what we should be telling them. And this school is.

Alan Shore, counsel for Abby Holt :
This case isn’t about teenage pregnancy. She didn’t get pregnant. She got H.I.V. I can see why you would want to make it about teenage pregnancy, since, well, actually I can’t. The United States had the worst teen pregnancy rate of any industrialized nation. And contrary to what Mr. Jovanka would like us to believe, there is no evidence whatsoever that suggests using condoms or teaching students about condoms makes them any more inclined to have sex.

None. They’re already inclined to have sex and have been since early puberty. They’re simply going to do it, we all do it. Birds do it, bees do it. Educated fleas do it. One day, Your Honor even you”

[Slamming of gavel..]

Yes, the fact is this case has nothing to do with the efficacy of abstinence only programs. This case is about religion, politics and federal funding. Our present administration, in blind service to the religious right, has transcended the separation of Church and State and consistently implemented a faith-based political and moral mandate. And now that same policy has been passed on to our educational system. If schools teach abstinence only, they get federal funding. If they teach any other type of sex education, they don’t. And as a result, the students in these abstinence only programs aren’t being taught the truth about that magnificent technological marvel, the condom. That’s not a dirty word, Your Honor. Condoms.

[Judge slams gavel again.]

They first came on the scene some 3,000 years ago in Egypt. For centuries they wert merrily along in modified forms warding off syphilis, gonorrhea, preventing unplanned pregnancies, until science and medicine eventually caught up and the pill became a much more effective, less intrusive contraceptive. Penicillin and other antibiotics were miracle cures for gonorrhea and syphilis. The poor humble condom languished. And then came AIDS, this terrifying new disease that panicked the world. For many years, it has been fatal, gruesomely so in every case. There was no vaccine, no cure, no treatment. But there were condoms, and they worked. They were safe, time-tested, easy to use, and they protected both partners. The condom is arguably the single most important invention of the past 2,000 years. In fact, it has been said without exaggeration that the health of the world depends on them. Now one would think that the obvious choice would be for schools to tell their students as much.

But Abby’s school, indeed all schools, that teach abstinence only, have chosen to lie. They teach that condoms are ineffective at preventing pregnancies, which is a lie. They teach that condoms are ineffective at prevent disease, which is a lie. Some of the literature actually compares using a condom to playing Russian Roulette, which is a frightening, despicable, unforgivable lie.

Abby Holt has H.I.V., which in all likelihood will develop into AIDS. We’ve sort of forgotten about AIDs in this country. Treatments have improved dramatically. Drugs are keeping people alive for many years after they become infected. But the Grim Butcher’s bill for this pandemic still keeps growing and growing. 65 million people worldwide have become infected. One time unprotected sex can kill you. A condom can save you. It is inconceivable, that every child in the world isn’t taught that. We should be in criminal court this very moment, trying this obscenely duplicitous school for conspiracy to commit murder. Ah. But frankly, I have no stomach for that. I think of the horror that has been inflicted on this fifteen year old girl, and I’m just so profoundly sad. I can point out the evils of this corrupt system. I can tell you have effective condoms are, the lives they save and on and on and on and”¦ but words seem to be these hollow, useless things rattling around in this courtroom. Because ultimately the lies this school told Abby Holt will probably kill her. They have certainly altered her life forever. And in the face of that, all I can think of is “why”?

Flyover

I miss the comfort of my mind
I miss the solace of sanity
I watch the people flow
and I give in to vanity

I miss the shackles of mortality
I miss the feeling of sin
I miss the flavor of guilt
I miss the urges that defined me

I miss the confines of my mind
I exult in the freedom of nothingness
I celebrate the death of divinity
I stake my claim to be me

Proposed song lyrics for new Boyband

Sushil and Gregory as lead singers, the rest of us as backup dancers.
The song will have a romantic, bluesy, modernish classical feel

Verse1:
main hun ek patanga
tu meri mombatti (dhik chak dhik chak)

mai hu khushbu... aur tu agarbatti
(dhik chak dhik chak)

main hoon ghoda aur tu hai meri ghaas...
aaja na aaja mere paas (ten tana tanau)

Verse2:
hathi naali me bah nahi sakta...
mai tere bina rah nahi sakta...(dhik chak dhik chak dhik chak)

gadhe ke sar par seeng nahi hote
tum nahi hote to hum nahi hote

main hoon tera kutta aur tu hai meri billi
chal mil ke uda de pyar ki hum gilli

Chorus:
kutta mar gaya razai me...
mai paagal ho gaya teri judaai me

Random Thoughts

"society has got it all wrong. We should marry when we are in our 60s"

"The lakes of joka be dried and something built in its place. They are wasting a lot of space"

"Kill all the fucking crows one by one. Better still, burn the trees"

"The environmental-ist lobby is stupid. Global warming, environmental damage are all bakwaas"

"what is this obsession with entrepreneurship ?? I want to be a slave all my life."

"We make fun of women so we can show we are masochist rock stars."

"Why do you try to find a purpose in living?? Why are you not happy accepting we are just another piece of crap built by random interference"

Some thoughts overheard in IIM Cal. Not too difficult figuring out who thought of them, is it??

Missed Call

People underestimate the resourcefulness of Indians. They cite examples of the country's backwardness, social inequality, lawlessness and rampant corruption to prove their point. The fact that despite being gifted with an abundance of natural resources, India lags behind significantly in economic terms, strengthens their case. Don't worry. I won't attempt to connect the reasons for this ailment to the tilt of the earth's axis. Neither will I analyze the strategic implications of this on intergalactic travel. Let us leave such intellectually stimulating discussion to other blogs. My aim is to provide mind-numbing bakar.

Let us now go back a bit in time. It would do you good to refer to Genesis(27th May, 2009) here. Serious discussion had been the fad for a long time and God had finally had it. "I've had it", He said. "These people don't know what they want. Let me give them something that will change their lives." Cover versions of this quote were later made famous by Henry Ford and Steve Jobs, but few know that God had written the original words. Bakar was created, it spread far and wide, and it changed the world. God felt his work was done and went to the Bahamas for a vacation. But He might have been a wee bit hasty here. Unknowingly, He had thrust upon his children, a cataclysmic change. And since e-mail hadn't yet been created, no one raised a request for a bug fix to Him. And even if they had, it would be to no avail, for God's Blackberry* was switched off.

A googol of pina coladas later, God grudgingly decide to move back to heaven and take a look at how His children were faring. It was the late 18th century and Napoleon was at fierce battle with Nelson. God decided that this would be a nice watch and conjured up some popcorn. Although few know about it, but Nelson had sent a messenger to Napoleon warning him to stay away form the Nile, lest his fleet be vanquished. Napoleon consulted his generals and sent a reply to Nelson. Napoleon's messenger journeyed 8 arduous days on foot to reach Nelson's camp and read out the great man's message. There were three letters on the silk scroll which read, "L-O-L". The rest is history. Nelson destroyed Napoleon's fleet on August 1st, 1798, but before that, the messenger got disillusioned, quit his job and became an atheist on May 1st, 1798. He was the first communist of the world.

God finally realised the destructive nature of bakar and thought of erasing it from the face of the world. But He also saw the good that it had done. He fell in deep dilemma. "Pretty little pickle I'm in", He said. After doing a SWOT analysis and preparing a balanced scorecard, He figured that most problems began with long distance Bakar and decided to conjure up a device for the same. But the analysis had taken a wee bit longer than expected, because it was 1876 and Alexander Graham Bell had already been granted a patent for the telephone. God expressed his mild annoyance on this matter by writing the first-ever rock single, "These Crappy Patent Laws" and retired to the Fiji islands.

On 15th August, 1947 India became independent. According to a 1950 survey by St. Peter (as God was still sulking in Fiji), India was the country that had the most number of active bakar conversations per month in the world. China was 123rd in the list. Science had also grown in leaps and bounds by then, with the discovery of the atom and pro-wrestling. In 1952, St.Peter made a presentation to God, where he is rumoured to have said, "There is a definite use case for a device which supports long-distance bakar on the move in India. It would be strategic naivete to neglect a distinct consumer need that demands bakar 24x7." God's witty comeback was, "Pshaw".

The rest, once again, is history. The mobile phone was a huge hit all around the world and had just entered India. The operators rubbed their hands gleefully as they set high tariffs. St. Peter took a sabbatical and God felt bad. But wait, there's a twist to this tale, yet. One fine day, the unresourceful, wasteful Indian invented the missed call. Operators cried their hearts out and God was finally happy that He could pretend He was vindicated. In a gracious move, He invited St. Peter back to heaven, with the words, "Na-nana-na-na, I told you so, I told you so". St. Peter who was fed up with the dog-eat-dog world of mobile VAS sales, swallowed his pride and came back. They lived happily ever after. The End.

*The fact that God had a Blackberry back then, can be easily explained as a consequence of a break in the fabric of the space-time continuum.

Why the IPL is good for India's economy

Who the hell knows. But that shouldn't be a reason for not talking about it. The first rule of bakar is that it is good. The second rule is, the more you do it the better it gets. Having established these fundamental tenets of bakardom, lets move on.

The episode took place during the 40 odd days before the recently concluded IPL.

A raging issue was plaguing most intellectually vacant minds. Is the IPL good for India's economy? Why or why not?

Most experts reached the consensus that the IPL makes a lot of money. Not much confusion there. Its when they tried to figure out how exactly all this money gets distributed that all hell broke loose. These experts presented highly varied opinions on this matter ranging from insightful ones like "the IPL induces spending by the people, which is a good thing for the economy" to supremely insightful ones like "What money? I haven't made any money" to mind-blowing, world-changing ones like "Chumba Wumba Ola Ho". A lot of these opinions were presented in blog posts in the blogosphere (where else) and helped Google make more money on ads. But this did nothing to dissolve the uncertainty in the air. Does anyone care? Will someone find a way out?

They didn't. But nobody was disappointed. Here, finally, was a topic to argue about and it was not going to be snatched away by some smart ass who solved the issue just to appear smart (many believe this is also the reason why the Bermuda Triangle mystery, the Area 51 controversy, life on Mars, the falling of the great jibblets and many such unsolved issues have remained unsolved to this day).

Then, all of a sudden, it was decided by the country's leadership that the IPL will, in fact, be held outside India for security reasons, thereby bringing a rather abrupt halt to the all the intellectually stimulating bakardom. It seemed to be a hopeless situation to many. Some even posted emails entirely in capital letters to express extreme anger over such callous behavior by the Government. Just when the law and order situation seemed to be spiralling out of control, a smart ass showed up (the same smart ass who didn't bother to solve the original issue). His suggestion was as simple as it was elegant. It was also short. "Lets discuss why the IPL is good for South Africa's economy", he said.

It took a while to sink into everyone's head. But when it did, there was joy again. The sky was blue again, the birds chirping, there was bakar on everybody's lips and the world was a better place.

Until...(contd.)